


A hug for Anxiety

by River_of_Dawn



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Post-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, References to Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25263907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_of_Dawn/pseuds/River_of_Dawn
Summary: Long after he had done his outro for the video he was still awake. Which wasn't all that unusual after a long day of filming, but this time it wasn't because he had already started editing.No, instead his mind had stuck at all that Virgil had said.”I have always aimed to protect you.”
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Thomas Sanders
Comments: 7
Kudos: 88





	A hug for Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I'm new to this fandom, this is my first fanfiction for this fandom and there's an appalling lack of Thomas hugging Virgil.

For some reason Thomas felt as though his arms were falling asleep, even though there was nothing that could have possible stopped his blood circulation. He frowned, then decided to ignore it.

He was planning a new video after all.

It had been some time since he had made his last Sanders Sides video and after talking the new idea through with Roman he was quite sure that the viewers would like it.

Of course he shouldn't decide on whether he wanted to make a video or not only based on what his viewers wanted to see, but they were quite a good source of inspiration and few things made him happier than seeing the positive effects all his videos had – no matter in which form they were. Some would reply in comments, others would make art or even cosplay and the best way to repay his fans for all the amazing things they did was to make another video.

Also, it was a topic he had wanted to discuss for some time now and talking things through with the different sides always helped him. And if he could film it so that it would help others, even better.

Still, Thomas could feel a slight undercurrent of worry coursing through him, his anxiety for some reason a bit higher than usual. Might just be the fact that he was about to start a video, so he decided to ignore the way he could feel his blood pumping and the way it was rushing in that uncomfortably enhanced way it always did when he was panicking.

Then, without any warning those sounds just _vanished_ and Thomas took a deep breath.

Time for the video!

He pressed play on the camera.

“Uh, hey…uh- this is Thomas, and, uh--this is usually where I start off, uh- by saying something quick and witty to begin the video. Yeah.”

Hm... that was kind of lackluster. Eh, maybe he'd come up with something better later on. And if not it was at least original.

“So yeah! Another video. This is awesome!” Already he was deviating from the script he had been given but who cared about some sort of script, right? All the best lines in cinema had been improvised, so Roman would understand. And if he wouldn't that wouldn't change a thing. After all it wasn't Roman's job to judge whatever he did, just to give him the creativity to do things. And today he was feeling very creative.

He would just breeze through the video and then everybody would like it cause they always liked whatever he produced, even if he was sometimes really critical of what he did.

But YOLO, right?

Only once he saw Anxiety – or rather once he had screamed in a pitch he rather wouldn't repeat due to Anxiety scaring him – all those feelings that he had been missing came flooding back and he realized what he even looked like.

Thank God Roman had a hairbrush for whatever reason.

Then came the part where they were just trying to understand things and finding out that having anxiety was actually a good thing made Thomas feel a bit queesy. There he had been, trying to get rid of Anxiety all that time whilst the Side was actually just looking out for him, trying to make sure that he was okay... The familiar rushing of blood was back.

Anxiety had actually tried to duck out.

That feeling of dread was one he hadn't expected. And what did it even mean to _duck out_?

Even once he had finished his video – and Anxiety had told them his name _holy shit_ – that feeling didn't quite vanish.

Virgil had made it seem as if he had just left the house for a bit to go to the corner store, but the way he had acted... it left Thomas unsettled.

_”I removed myself from the equation.”_

Remove?

_”I quit.”_

Quit.

_”Decided it wasn't worth it anymore.”_

Not worth it.

_”You're better off without me.”_

Without me.

Without Virgil.

As if he didn't plan on only leaving for a short time, but rather... forever? Once and for all? For good?

The thought of a life without Anxiety – without Virgil – scared him.

Long after he had done his outro for the video he was still awake. Which wasn't all that unusual after a long day of filming, but this time it wasn't because he had already started editing.

No, instead his mind had stuck at all that Virgil had said.

_”I have always aimed to protect you.”_

And now, after all that had happened without Virgil, Thomas knew that Virgil had been right. He had always tried to protect Thomas. And he might have gone overboard at times but he had never meant any harm. Instead he had had to deal with Thomas trying to get rid of him and the other Sides making fun of him. They had basically been bullying him to the point where Virgil had considered... _removing_ himself.

In that moment Thomas was quite glad that he had decided to skip dinner that evening, because he was sure that otherwise he would have thrown up.

All this time he had been trying to help other people feel better, to provide funny and relatable content and he had been basically bullying someone all this time? Sure, technically it would count as bullying himself, but to Thomas the Sides had long since become more than just a part of him. They had their own personalities in a way that wasn't often visible, but clearly there all the same. It was there in the way Roman would recite poems Thomas had never read or in the way he could speak Spanish when Thomas had never learned it. It was there in the way Logan would know facts that Thomas had never heard about.

He would need to speak with Virgil.

At best before he would go to bed, because this miserable feeling would keep him awake the rest of the night otherwise. As it had any other time he had done something bad. That being said it probably wasn't all that surprising that Morality was such an important aspect of his personality.

The brightly lit screen in front of him lost it's focus as Thomas started to think about what to say to Virgil once he summoned the side.

He would need to apologize for trying to get rid of him without ever considering any of the consequences. For ignoring all those times Virgil had already mentioned that he was more than just Thomas' anxiety, that he was also his fight-or-flight instinct, that he was also the one who was trying to keep Thomas safe most out of all the other sides. And it wasn't always just Patton that made him keep his promises, but also Virgil constantly nudging him in the right direction. And whenever Roman or Logan or even Patton would go overboard with some other interesting idea, Virgil would remind him of his duties.

He would need to thank Virgil for everything he had ever done, Thomas realized. Up until now no-one had ever thanked Virgil for all he had done and was ever trying to do, instead only complaining about the way he was doing it, when it was the only way he knew.

And he would definitely need to talk with Virgil about his _fading out_ thing because that just... disturbed him. It sounded way too much like a person who was considering suicide to be anywhere near Thomas comfort zone. Virgil actually doing... well, _that_ would be nothing but devastating. Thomas would feel constantly guilty whilst he wouldn't care about anything and it was easy to see how such a thing would end. And even if all of that wasn't the case... Virgil was important to Thomas outside of his duties.

There was his snark and his sarcasm. His eyeshadow and the way he would sometimes smile with just one corner of his mouth. The way he would wave around with his hands when he got invested in something and the way he would pull down his hoodie when things got too much.

There was just... Virgil.

And Thomas kind of got the feeling that he really needed to talk with the side.

He gently closed the laptop and took a deep breath.

No getting anxious now. No getting overwhelmed now. In and out.

“Hey Virgil?” he softly asked, somehow _pulling_ at the side.

A soft rustling of clothe on the staircase drew his eyes towards Virgil's usual spot, where the side was hovering, an anxious frown around his mouth.

“What's up, Thomas?” A corner of his mouth curled into his usual antagonistic smirk. “You forgetting something?” But the snide question was missing the usual drive behind it, now seeming more exasperated than anxiety-inducing. And there was an exhausted air behind it that just didn't sit right with Thomas.

“I... As a matter of fact, yes.” In a way he had forgotten something, after all, hadn't he? He had forgotten about Virgil and about the fact that Virgil was a part of himself.

Virgil lifted an eyebrow.

“C'mon, just... Sit down for a second, okay?” Thomas stroke his bangs away from his forehead, trying to gather his thoughts. Somehow this whole thing had been easier when he had been just thinking about it. Or it was the fact that Virgil was getting closer to him – and was there a correlation between Virgil getting near him and a heightened anxiety, similar to the fact that he did not have any anxiety at all whilst Virgil had been trying to duck out?

Which... had been what he had been wanting to talk about. Thanks, brain. For once at least.

The anxious side sat down on the table next to Thomas, reminding him of the Q+A question where Virgil had said that he liked to sit on things that weren't meant to be sat on. It was kind of adorable.

The side curled into himself, the hoodie over his head, eyes cast down and hidden beneath his bangs, so that only his eyeshadow was visible. A pale hand was fidgeting with the torn sleeves of the hoodie and his back was hunched over.

“I... I wanted to apologize,” Thomas began carefully.

“Oh, great! What did you do this time? Did you insult Joan again? Or Talyn? Or Camd –“

“I – no! I didn't!”

“You sure about that? Because do you remember the way Joan looked at you the last time you saw each other?” Virgil leaned a bit into his personal space, his posture falling a bit into himself again at the same time. “Do you remember their look...?”

Okay, fair point, he would need to apologize to them later as well.

“No, Virgil! I wanted to apologize to you!”

As though he had been struck Virgil surged back, a look of surprise on his face which was suddenly expressing more emotion than it had ever before for as long as Thomas could remember. Noticing that fact himself, Virgil's face closed off again, becoming a sarcastic mask.

But now that Thomas had seen that mask break it was easier for him to see that Virgil still did not know what to think of this, that the situation was utterly new for him. It broke Thomas heart a bit. Had nobody ever apologized to Virgil when they had done something wrong? If so, he should probably try to talk with the other sides as well, once this was over.

“And why exactly would you do that?” Virgil asked.

“Because I treated you wrong! Because you felt that the only option left for you was to... to commit suicide!”

“Oh...” Virgil said there with wide eyes after Thomas' outburst. “I... It wasn't really a suicide. It would be more of me just fading back into the subconsciousness. And then you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore.”

“That doesn't make it better, Virgil. Just... look. I – we – treated you badly. And that wasn't okay. We didn't listen to you, we tried to belittle you... And all that time you just wanted to help us... help me. And I am so, so sorry that we behaved that way, believe me.” His eyes were burning and his cheeks felt wet. He was crying, he realized numbly.

Virgil meanwhile sat on the desk, wide eyed with panic building up behind them. Seeing that, Thomas rubbed the tears away from his cheeks.

“I am sorry, Virgil.” He tried to smile, but it felt crooked. “I am so very sorry.”

Virgil's body shuddered and Thomas opened his arms. The anxious side almost jumped from the table into his lap and arms, slinging his own tight around Thomas, sobs breaking free.

Seeing all the pain Virgil had been carrying made Thomas' heart break a little. How could he not have seen how much Virgil had been hurting?

He didn't know how long he sat there, Virgil in his arms, but he didn't care. It could have been ten minutes or an hour, but as long as it was as long as Virgil needed it did not matter.

… And he kind of needed it as well. It was one thing to realize that you need to accept your anxiety in order to not let it rule your life, but it was a wholly different level to actually do it.

In all his life he had never been so consistently close with his anxiety, yet it was less prominent than ever before, just a dull thrumming underneath his skin, barely notable, wrapped up in a layer of calm.

Eventually, Virgil's hold loosened and he pulled away, hiding his flushed face underneath his bangs without much success.

Seriously, who would have thought that Anxiety could be this cute?

Thomas smiled down at him. Virgil's tears had left a wet spot on his shoulder where he had hidden his face against Thomas' neck.

Sensing that Virgil was about to stand up and back away, probably embarrassed at his show of emotions, Thomas kept his arms around him to hold him down. Slowly, the side settled down again, even if he kept twitching, his mind probably already caught up in scenarios that weren't even close to reality.

Softly, Thomas put his left hand underneath Virgil's chin and lifted it up, forcing him to meet his eyes.

“Thank you, Virgil, for always trying to look out for me,” Thomas said, almost trying to force his honesty into his look and words. Trying to convince Virgil that this was real.

“Uh... thank you...” Virgil's eyes shied away from Thomas' and he realized that this was getting to be too much too soon for the side, so he slowly loosened his hold.

Awkwardly Virgil climbed out of Thomas' lap and went to stand in front of him, head down, hiding his face away behind his bangs once again, nervously fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie, almost like a child that was about to be scolded for throwing a rock through the window. Not that Thomas would know about throwing rocks through windows.

“You good?” Thomas asked and Virgil nodded, before starting to sink through the floor without saying anything.

“I am glad,” Thomas only just mentioned to say before Virgil vanished.

Then he fell back into his chair, sinking into it, suddenly exhausted.

With a glance at his laptop he shut it down and put it away, deciding to save himself the editing for the next day and to just go to bed for now.

It had been a fairly emotional day and he just needed to sleep now.

Tomorrow he would have to talk with the other sides about treating Virgil right, he reminded himself before trudging up the stairs into his bedroom. Now he just wanted to sleep.

Also, he would have to try and initiate more physical contact with Virgil. Not only was it nice to hug the side, but he desperately needed it as well. Only then did it occur to him that he still didn't know why Virgil had wanted to _fade out_.

But that would be a problem for tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it, feel free to leave me some feedback -- especially on the characters, since I'm not all that used to them yet. Oh, and if you catch any mistakes, please tell me! English isn't my native language and I'm always looking to improve.
> 
> And I know this ending sounds a bit as if I will continue this, but I am fairly certain that this is all for now. I don't do longer stuff, just look at all my previous stories xD


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